Premiere: John Calvin unpacks the weight of death in ‘She Might Be a Song’

Grief causes a deep kind of restlessness. Out of death, our souls become agitated and drained of the pulsating vitality that once coursed through the bloodstream. John Calvin‘s “She Might Be a Song,” premiering today on B-Sides & Badlands, takes a snapshot of a dear friend’s slow deterioration, their rosy petals growing brittle. Their life’s collapse devastated all those around them. In writing his new song, Calvin buries himself in the sorrow and allows every ounce of emotion, from rage to sadness, to arrest his body.

“When violet’s outta line, you take the long way home,” he weeps in orb-like droplets. “You could use a summer dress of lead to match your braid of spun gold.” Those thorny words sink into the listener’s skin. The song’s sparseness unleashes a two-ton weight, colliding with the mental rattle as the lyrics burrow into the brain. “I miss you all the time,” he adds, barely above a whisper.

The instruments are harshly delicate. Hammond organ and the pitter-patter of percussion push the song forward like a funeral march. “She Might Be a Song,” which samples Calvin’s forthcoming Greener Fields & Fairer Seas album (out Jan. 24), sits in stark “contrast with other tracks that have a fuller, ‘wall of sound’ vibe,” Calvin shares. “It also matches the tone of the song, which says goodbye to a close friend, all while knowing that our friend is still with us.”

Calvin’s favorite part of the song, and perhaps the most striking, lies with musician Greg DeCarolis’ urgent contribution. “During the outro, he quietly introduces a lovely melody on the piano. That melody actually comes from Beethoven, I think,” Calvin continues. “The song and its title spurred him to think of that. She might be a song? Well, here’s a tune that fits just perfectly in the last 40 seconds or so. To introduce such a perfect little tune to the end of ‘She Might Be a Song’ was brilliant and shows you just how talented Greg is.”

With its luminescence and stunningly muted tone, “She Might Be a Song” crushes the bones into a light, fluffy powder. Themes about the passing of time, the pressures to live, and the healthcare system ooze from the song’s frayed corners like dandelions popping up through cracked cement. There’s no escaping it and no avoiding it – it’s just how things are. “I think there are points of no return, as you get older, and the most vivid for me was the passing of a young, seemingly healthy close friend. That was a unique kind of sorrow, out of sync with a younger person’s conception of mortality,” Calvin muses. “Those moments of transition, and the pain that goes along with them, are important to talk and write about. At the same time, those we love are with us always. They’ll always be part of the way you see the world. And you’ll always have those memories to help keep you going. For me, the memory of a close friend who’s passed feels like a bittersweet song that comes back to you just when you need it.”

As the song unravels, Calvin’s words grow more agonizing and intense. “The cells, the cells, the cells, they keep on dividing,” he sings. “There once was a bond that’s not here, nor gone / Maybe it’s all on me.” Underneath the shroud of death, the weight of reality squeezes the heart and leaves it throbbing on the cold, hard ground. Only one’s essence remains blowing in the wind and lingering with faint traces.

The images swell and grow more universal, particularly regarding healthcare and the worries it seeds in other aspects of one’s existence. “I could talk a lot about the state of healthcare in our country. I’m concerned that healthcare is increasingly stratified, with treatments ranging from ‘best in world history’ to ‘self-medicate and pray,'” Calvin offers. “The passing of our friend had, I think, an even more basic root cause. She wouldn’t see a doctor because she felt like she couldn’t take the time off work. She was more concerned about losing her job than she was about her own health. So her manager and her employer failed her. Mostly, I just miss her madly, but when I think about that lack of empathy, I still see red.”

“It doesn’t feel like I have great answers on how to cope with loss. I think we all just stumble through it, for the most part. To some degree, we know what not to do, though,” he continues. “Don’t sweep it under the rug. Don’t pretend that it didn’t happen. Think of her again and again and allow those feelings back in. I tend to ruminate on things, but sometimes you can build a little shrine with those meditations. A place you can return to when you need it.”

Listen to “She Might Be a Song” below.

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